Birthday week

I had a lovely weekend heading into my birthday week.  Yes, I get a week.  :)  Anyone over 30 deserves that, right?  So Joe and I went to see NANTA in Apgujeong on Sunday.  It was a highly energetic performance and they actually did cook some vegetables because you could smell the food from the audience.  That was a nice birthday performance from Joe.

I faciliated a dialogue through GOA’L this past weekend on identity and race.  A small group showed up, but I appreciated the more intimate size and felt like I got to know all of the participants a little bit better.

The week ahead has a forecast of hot weather, some rain, early morning running, work as usual, my 31st birthday on Thursday and a weekend of more birthday festivities – really just some eating, drinks at a bar and noraebang if all goes well.

I don’t feel as burnt out as my last post, probably because I am getting that much closer to the “end” of the semester, so I will leave with only one Korean gripe today:

I was going to my locker at the gym this morning to put my running shoes away and this 50 year old dude was totally in my way.  Like there was no where else for me to walk to get around him, except to walk on to some exercise equipment.  He just ignored me and kept stretching.  Me, not having the virtue of patience just huffed and glared at him, walked loudly over the exercise equipment and proceeded to my locker.  I made a point to drop my shoes right by his ugly head to make a point that he was IN THE WAY.  This was so annoying because there’s a place a few feet away with no one there that is designated for stretching!

Ugh.

But…despite him and all the self-entitled ajusshis I encounter, I’m nearly 31 and ready for another great year ahead – 7 months of which will be spent in Korea, so I better try to keep the positive “tude” going strong, with the ocassional and in my opinion totally acceptable whining from time to time.  :D

Spammed Out/Burnt Out

Any other wordpressers who have been getting tons of spam comments?  It just keeps getting worse on my blog.  I feel like all I am doing lately on here is cleaning out the spam.  >.<

I’m at the end of my initial contract and summer is heating up which = me feeling burnt out.  Change will be good, and it begins in about 4 weeks.  I’ll start working 9-5:30, as I did in January.  Getting up early for me is no fun, but having my evenings free will be a nice treat.

I’m sure 4 weeks will fly by, but on a day-to-day basis it feels like time is crawling.  I’m trying not to whine, because I have life good in so many respects.  I can’t believe how fast a year has gone by though.  A year ago I was beginning to pack up for life in Seoul, I was in a different relationship, held a more romanticized view of life in Korea, and wasn’t sure when/if I’d return to Minnesota.  I was feeling a lot of inner turmoil leaving my parents, and there are still days I feel guilt, but overall I feel I’ve gotten stronger in one year.

Now I know that I want to and I will return to Minnesota in 7 months.   I guess Korea has kicked my ass when it comes to feeling comfortable or in my niche here.  The illusion that everything will feel more natural simply by looking the part wore off months ago, and now I just long to see women of any race with an athletic build again, someone not wearing super skinny jeans if possible.  Oh wait, this includes men, too.  I am eager to have smoke-free buildings surround me, and to know that 9/10 people will hold the elevator doors open for you, especially if they’re closing in on your stuff.

Last week a friend and I got into our apartment’s elevator, and the doors began to shut on her food.  She yelped because it is rather scary when elevator doors are pressing in at you with no regard for an object being there requiring the doors to open up again and show some mercy.  Upon hearing her yelp, an older woman standing right next to the button panel starts overreacting, heaving heavily and making noises as if she’s going to have a heart attack.  I was soooooo annoyed.  The thing is, it seems rare here in Seoul for the average Seoulites to give a damn when someone is struggling as such.  Instead of pushing the door open button to help my friend out, the woman just stands there and fans herself and acts like we’re in the wrong for scaring her.  There were other people in the elevator and it was a prickly feeling of everyone staring at my friend and I.  These sorts of things happen here often – people standing around like dummies and unwilling to help out, but then acting like they’re shocked when something happens.  I just wanted to say in perfect Korean, “Well why didn’t you open the door for her you dumbass!?”

Ugh.  Sure, sure I’m probably overreacting and maybe it’s the result of my own Korean temper acting up here, but seriously – coming from the friendly midwest, where strangers actually do talk to each other, (and usually it’s out of friendliness), it just annoys the hell out of me that people act this way here!  Cultural or not, I’m annoyed!

So other than the doldrums of finishing up my teaching contract and being ready for a fresh start soon (still same job, same place, but at least a fresh start), and what I perceive as a fairly rude awakening to how a lot of Seoulites act, life has been fairly normal.

Gee, thanks for stating the obvious!

The social worker who sent a message regarding my search also forwarded her message to another social worker, the woman who works Stateside with the agency I was adopted through.  Anyway, the Stateside social worker sent me a message today that said, “Thank you for your patience.  It is a long journey to complete a search.”

Really?!  I had no idea.  It’s not like I’ve been waiting long….only since, oh my entire life since realizing I was not the biological child of my parents, probably around age 2 or 3.  Patience doesn’t even begin to describe it.  Did I ever have a choice to have anything but patience?  Sheeeeesh.  But thank goodness I had that social worker’s reminder that it’s a long journey!

I know she means well, but sometimes I still get annoyed by what feels like lack of sensitivity.

“Thank you for your patience.  It’s a long journey to complete a search.”

It feels like she’s trying to excuse a long wait at a restaurant or something.

Birth Mother Search Halting

I recently emailed Eastern to check up on the progress of finding any new information about my birth mother.  This was their response:

*****

안녕하세요~!

Since we’ve met here at Eastern with your birth father, I contacted to the person at the girl’s high school in Busan.  As you my remember that I’ve got the school’s name from your birth father because he thought that your birth mother attended this high school.  But the person at school said that there is no matched or similar information with your birth mother.   I think that it is unable to get more information from the school.

Also I have sent the information regarding your birth mother and her backgournd in your file to the police officer many weeks ago and am still waiting for the reply.  Many years ago I did this already but could not find any information.  I wanted to try once again this time even though the chance to find her may be very slim.

I will let you know if I can get any information.  Take care!

*****

I am feeling disappointment, but also like many adoptees who search and come up with less than what’s in their idealistic vision of finding more, I am numb and okay with it, too because…I have to be.

Korean Eyes

I think after living here long enough, it’s normal to just get into a routine and forget that this is really different and foreign.  I see almost everyday the same 5 subway stops and the blur of people passing by as the train arrives and departs from each station.  I see the same fashions, the same kinds of beggars, the same types of salesmen selling the same items, the typical school kids in their uniforms, and the same typical behaviors on the subway – people dozing off, young couples flicking each other or giving each other “love pats” (smacks?), and so on.  I stand there swaying to the natural movements of the train tracks, sometimes losing my balance a bit, but usually just in a daze knowing I have a job ahead of me, or behind me for the day.  I don’t stare or gawk at all the Korean faces anymore.  My first trip to Korea in 2005 resulted in me taking a lot of pictures of strangers on the streets.  I, like most adoptees who had never been to Korea since being adopted hadn’t seen so much of my own ethnic clan in one place.  It’s both awesome and overwhelming, at least it was for me.

Now I have to sometimes remind myself how amazing it is to see so many Korean eyes surrounding me, filling up my personal space and reminding me of where I am right now in my life.  I find myself having to stop and really smell the kimchi.  When I do this, when I really make a conscious effort to notice my surroundings and not just see my day as another average work day, I get this little feeling inside of me that feels really happy.  I don’t really know why or what it is, but I guess it must be just a satisfying feeling of finally being around Koreans after longing for that feeling of being visually “normal” for so many years of my life.

Speedwalking

I’ve become quite the speedwalker here in Seoul.  I think it’s for two main reasons: One, there are a lot of smokers here who wave their cigarettes around and rather than walking behind them breathing in their poison, I speed up to get in front of them.  Two, people in large groups like to walk slowly (I call it meandering) and usually they walk in a red rover line, making it hard to break through unless you really speed up and walk all the way around them.

It’s good times here in Seoul.  I guess I can count this as a form of exercise, right?

The Loving Hut

Thanks to the Seoul Veggie Group on Facebook I learned about The Loving Hut, a newish restaurant in Sinchon.  Go out Exit 2 and keep walking for 4-5 blocks and it’s on your left.  I was excited by the idea of something different amongst the few other vegetarian restaurants in Seoul.  The menu offers sides of hotdogs, burgers and deli-like sandwiches – all non-meat of course.  They also have lattes with soy and pretty lemonades with little flowers floating in them.  I was disappointed that the “American” sides weren’t hot off a grill, but still impressed with the prices and overall service of this restaurant.

Sunny with a chance of sentimental

Although I doubt I have many readers out there since I blog infrequently and generally my blog isn’t very “edgy” or chalk full of great tidbits, facts or controversial topics, I am going to blog more often, if even for myself.  I think doing some form of writing is important and though I keep my own written journal, I’ll try to write more thoughts on here, in this cyberspace I call my own where both strangers and close friends can meander if they so wish…

I sometimes struggle to think of good post titles, so unless I’m posting about something really specific, I’ll just call my posts whatever the current weather is + “with a chance of” + an adjective to describe an oncoming emotion rising within me.

So today is “Sunny with a chance of sentimental.”  I’m not sure why I feel sentimental, other than I generally tend to feel sentimental often.  Maybe it’s knowing it’s the end of the academic school year for many people, and for much of my lifespan, that academic calendar shaped my life, too.  It’s the feeling of endings and beginnings…one grade down, one summer to go, and then another…   Only in adulthood when you’re working a job not affected much by the academic calendar, June is just June, another month, usually hotter, but that’s about it.

I am feeling the doldrums of living here and fighting the urge to just be okay with boredom in a city so populated and still so foreign to me.  I realize that while I’m conditioned now to walk alongside Koreans everyday and be amongst Koreans wherever I go, I really don’t interact much with Koreans and in a lot of ways they still seem like a mysterious population of people with some odd behavior patterns and cultural norms.  On one hand I just want to see them as the humans they are, but on the other hand they seem quite strange at times, and I feel like a field psychologist.  At the oddest places and times, I will suddenly realize I’m observing them and mentally taking notes, like I’m watching monkeys or something.  Today it was when I was at the Coex shopping mall.  I was sitting in the food court and ended up sitting across from an elderly gentlemen and we sat and ate in silence together amongst the crowded space around us.  How he ate his clear noodle soup and spread his pepper condiment over his food was intriguing to me.  How the businessmen near us negotiated who would sit where was fascinating to me.  During these moments, I feel this deep dark feeling of being very lonely here, even though I know I am not.  I realize just how unique I am as a Korean adoptee and that while I have cultivated strong friendships in my life with others like myself, I am most of the time a very strange person with a strange life story.  I feel the reminder that I am sort of always that outsider in the lunchroom.  It’s bizarre to live here now and instead of feeling like an outsider due to my physical features, I feel like an outsider as a result of my internal hardrive.  I’m like the MacBook that looks like all the other MacBooks now, only I am programmed with just Windows and find it tricky to be compatible with Apple software, even though I originate from the Apple family.  I’m part of some computer experiment where Apple designed me, but Windows tried to install everything on me to see what would happen. 

I’m definitely not from the Geek Squad because that’s about as far as my computer analogy can go, but you get the drift, right?

*Sigh*

I’m glad it’s Friday.  Hopefully I can have another great weekend in Seoul, even if I am slightly bored with this place right now.  I guess I need a vacation but will settle with knowing I can go back to my other home – Minnesota in a few months.  Maybe tonight I should sketch out some weekend ideas to keep it fresh here.  There are a number of places I want to see yet and haven’t been to.

Window whining

It’s not quite summer here, where it is constantly hot and humid.  I don’t want to run my air conditioner too much, though I admit there were nights in May that I had it on for a while to cool my place down.  The days and nights where the weather is decent leads me to want to open my window (I have a screen).  However, lately there has been a dog that barks incessantly, and usually at odd hours, like say 4am.  It wakes me up and the only way to get back to sleep is to shut my window.  I’m a sensitive sleeper…I need it to be quiet!   Then there is my neighbor.  She loves to belt out songs and she sounds like the quintessential clip from American Idol auditions where Simon is cringing.  She seems to love songs that are generally performed by African American women, which in her case doesn’t suit her vocal chord abilities very well.  Then there are the loud motorcyclists in this city.  They seem to love making extra loud noises with their vehicle of choice, but it certainly rattles my walls and wakes me up.  One night I think a whole posse was zooming around here, because it lasted for several minutes and was incredibly irritating.  I guess this is what it means to live in a city of 10+ million, huh?  I could be in New York and hear someone’s dog being deprived, or an aspiring singer cracking her voice, or loud vehicles making a fuss with their engines, but since I’m in Seoul, I just have to say, “Damn you, Seoul neighbors!  Be quiet!  Don’t buy a dog unless you plan to take care of it!  Quit locking it in the bathroom all night while you go party in Gangnam!  Quit singing songs loudly unless you have a good voice!  And stop trying to show-off and prove your masculinity by driving so f*cking loudly!”

I feel a smidge better.

Weekend happenings and observations

Welcome June.

Just had my usual 4,000 won 자장면 and did my financing in between bites.  I am so on the ball these days with knowing where I am spending what.  I have been keeping a journal where I write down what I’m buying and how much everything is.  I’ve been doing it now for about 10 weeks.

This past weekend was great.  On Friday night some of us went bowling in Hongdae at a pretty run-down bowling alley.  Though run-down, it was still entertaining.  At least 3 times the lane we were on broke down and someone had to go and repair the equipment that properly sets up your pins for the next frame.  Poor Joe, it was always after he got a strike, so sometimes he didn’t get credit for his strike.  That is until we complained and made the woman behind the counter go in and manually fix our electronic score board.  Though I haven’t touched a bowling ball since I was in Denmark last July, I was proud to get a 134.

A crazy taxi ride later, and I was home and sleeping…and hours later ready for Saturday.  For the first time since dating Joe I went out to his middle school and got to join the tail-end of his weekend class for about 20 minutes.  He was teaching 7th graders prepositions and somehow I wound up correcting some of their sentences, too.  I found his students to be very sweet and friendly.  Definitely different from the kids I teach in Apgujeong.  I guess being 50 minutes outside of Seoul, and certainly away from the posh Gangnam area makes a big difference!  Not that my students are all bad, but it’s evident after comparing them to Joe’s students that my students definitely come from money.